Monday, June 7, 2010

stupor mode

I'm drinking wine @dempsey @ 4.30pm. I was completely lost and am a walking zombie in office.

Where is the morning crowd squeezing with the smelly,sweaty, nice smelling, newspaper smelling people??? I was in a daze couldnt be bothered to squeeze with the crowd. I treated them as a glass panel, transparent sheet or whatever it is. I am in my own world in deep thoughts.

It was a gloomy monday morning. I NEVER NEVER HAD MONDAY BLUES ever since I left SQ. In fact I was looking forward for each day to come especially looking forward to weekends. Not because I dread working, no im not and i did not. All i cant wait for is to spend my wkends with my jo. It was a blissful feeling that i missed. I was feeling lost and confused bout everything that is happening.

Not much of a big deal to many as people will think oh.. its emo time for bel again.
I was and used to be very very motivated by hun. He seemed to be the perfect guy in my eyes and not much of flaws that i really hate it to the core. ALOT of times, he corrected me, teaching me to be a positive person in life. (There are times i do feel like shit really. ) He was my role model. Is he still like that? shrugs. i really dont know. i felt like im being kicked out. I just missed everything in the past. Simple guy, my bff, my soulmate, my bf and how i wished he can be the one. And he is THE ONE.

I was being bombarded by women of older age today. Asking me how sure Joseph is the one when im only 23. Because at their age of 23, they didnt even thought of getting married. HOW SURE I AM? it doesnt matter seriously. You will know it who is THE ONE. My answer to them was, IF HE EVER PROPOSE TO ME NOW, I WILL DEFINITELY AGREE. (ok, this is not a hint) im in a emo period now. They shot me back with ," what makes you so sure that he is of husband qualities? have you ever check and scan through the list if he ever fits?"

I thought for a moment while they were pending for my answer. Deep down i was scanning through the checklists, less than 5 minutes, I replied: 'yes he is.' Then they started yakking ... good at least she knows and gave a firm answer.

I was being drilled by alot of questions with regards to me n jo. All my answers were firmed and assertive that he's the only one i want. Then after awhile, i thought to myself that why i can be so confident to answer them? simply because i already love him for who he is. At this point of time you were to ask me, all i can say is, wake me up and bring me back where we first started out. Its a transition period for him that makes me feel so weary and is he still my beloved jo, i kept double checking, confirming..
I was always supportive in whatever my jo wana do. I always feel that whatever he wants to achieve and attain and learn is the route to being successful. I have to declare out loud that at times, i will condemn that whole damn shit bout what he wana do(thats because i have my own mentality and some issues which i dont agree) but eventually i didnt stop him from doing and i still supported him. WHY? I always trusted him that whatever things he is going to do will be a decent one and for sure he will not let me down. Well, this time round things seemed different. I dont know how to express and i felt like im losing him to a psychic lecturing. Where have all the 4 yrs memories? has it been washed away? or maybe i should just delete the whole damn blog that has happened in the past. Move on for a new him (who is he??)or I should just stay with the old hunney jo to be in my dreams.

I pondered to myself today and it seems like i appear to everyone that I LOVE HIM MORE THAN HE LOVES ME. I told the women that NO. ITS NOT TRUE. WE LOVE EACH OTHER EQUALLY. HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM IS HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. I dont know how true in reality it is, at least i feel that by buying him gifts doesnt mean that i love him more than i love myself. He did a variety of things like giving me support on my driving test by travelling from redhill to ubi for that short while. Booking plays in esplanade, bringing me to have good food and the constant nagging that i've received. Deep down, if you were to ask then how do i really know if he loves me equally? for this i dont know what to comment and only he knows it himself. If its the fact that he doesnt loves me equally, it doesnt matter and i do not wish to know. it doesnt matter anymore.
Im always concern for him, his well being, his everything. From head to toe. I admit i treat him like a baby. He is a dear baby to me whom i do not want to lose. People commented that ive spoilt him and guys shouldnt be treated like that. WHO TO LISTEN TO? WHAT IM DOING IS WRONG? ENLIGHTEN ME. Im always concerned bout him, if he is doing good at work, with friends, family, with me, with the things he's doing. I'll get so worried if something were to do him bad. I know he is not a child, he is an adult. Dont remind me, i know what is going on, im just expressing my love and concern, care to him.

All these years are nothing? Talk bout being yourself? arent you being yourself infront of me? tell me im wrong and i'll guarantee that i will breakdown. (pls tell me the truth if im ever wrong) breaking down is just parts and parcel of life, we'll just have to accept reality.
Think of the good old times. What we've gone through all these while. I cant even bear to delete this blog and shift to tumblr instead. WHY? it contains all our memories.

For once, i felt that my life is screwed up. I'm traumatized. its been so long that i dont wink throughout a night. For a moment i felt like im losing him, I EVER REMEMBERED HIM TELLING ME THAT IM THE ONLY ONE THAT MADE HIM FELT LIKE SHIT. from this, i know that im a sore loser.

might as well, i drink my wine, followed by beer at home and pop some sleeping pills to sleep.

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